Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
