Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
