I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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