Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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