Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Come see our sink grown plant.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
