for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
