i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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