Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
be right there i have to get my cape
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
