Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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