I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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