Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
