woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize