I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
