This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
