If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
