Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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