She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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