afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
