Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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