Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Randomize
