Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
