Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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