i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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