4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
