the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
