I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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