I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
