So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
