I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
