He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
