At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
