I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
