Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
