they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
