my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
