Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Sober January is a disaster.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
