allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
