I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
