Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You took a bar mat shot.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
