tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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