I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
