Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
