Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
