I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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