Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
