well I can't set my house on fire every night
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
