I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
