Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize