Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
