My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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