I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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