I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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