I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
