I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
