i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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