Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
